A ripping comic homage to a certain type of girls’ boarding school. The kind of place where discipline is a dirty word, and smoking, drinking and gambling aren’t on the curriculum – but aren’t exactly frowned on either.
Here we find the leggy sirens of the Sixth Form and the ink-stained, brawling spitfires of the Fourth Form embroiled in rival shady schemes of kidnap and extortion. Cunning, dissolute, and crooked, these girls are capable of any excess. And the staff aren’t much better. But they all need to save St Mildred’s from the dastardly machinations of the Ministry of Schools, set on closing down this hotbed of educational anarchy. In a riotous show, brimming with music, mayhem and jolly hockey sticks, the girls fight the Ministry, their teachers, the local constabulary, and each other.
Firmly set in a comfy, non-specific era of post-war nostalgia sometime around the middle of the last century ‘Dark Deeds at St Mildred’s’, is a homage to the girls’ boarding school genre and its dark alter-ego, St Trinians.
A number of songs are included. The lyrics are all pastiches of popular / traditional songs from the early 20th Century or before, and are free of copyright restrictions as far as the author has been able to establish.
Parts: Female – 17, Male – 11.
Some doubling possible.
Extras can be included as pupils or teachers
Eunice Mitten, Headmistress
Terence Mitten, Eunice’s disreputable sibling
Charlie Chance, svengali, fence and general procurer
Miss Leyton, English mistress – common as muck
Miss Butcher, games mistress – strict, butch, monocle
Miss Potts, art teacher – young, right-on
Mam’zelle Froufou, French teacher – not French, distinctly dodgy
Matron, an old soak
Mr Kilfedder, the bursar
Sponge, the school caretaker
The Right Hon. Sir Horace Bantham MP, Minister of Schools
Reginald Brownose, 2nd under-secretary, Ministry of Schools
Algy Cartmore-Dung, Ministry of Schools
Miss Peabody, clerical assistant, Ministry of Schools
Police Superintendent Tenby
Police Sergeant Bunty Fairwarp
Farouq and Yusuf, sinister middle-eastern gentlemen
There are only two classes at St. Mildred’s – the Fourth Form and the Sixth Form. The Fourth Form are the disreputable rabble that make up the bulk of the ‘lower school’, and should by rights be 14–15 years old (what is now ‘Year 10’). But the Fourth Form at St Mildred’s includes younger girls too, so the age range should be between 12-15. The older girls constitute the Sixth Form or ‘upper school’. Again, notionally, these are aged 16-18 but may reasonably be played by young women of any age who can still pass for late teens.
The Upper School:
Celeste Futura, Captain of Sports, Head Girl
Lavinia Twice-Knightley, Blue-stocking
Arabella Bott, daughter of Mr Big
Lolita Picket-Hatch, sex bomb
Maisie Polruan, country gel
The Lower School:
Posy, tiny little one – youngest available. Cute but utterly psychotic.